Well hello there. It’s been a while since I posted to this blog, but a lot has happened since my first GAPS journey in 2014. I’m not sure where to start, so I’m going to give you a stream of consciousness update on where I am and how I got here. I’m going to add some links to my other blog, so click on the coloured or highlighted text for back stories.
Bottom line: I’m a 38yo sleep deprived, chronically stressed, mum of three. My children if they are on their own are awesome, not to mention oh so very beautiful, but collectively they are as challenging as all hell. I am very blessed to have a supportive husband, who is present when he’s here, but he has a demanding job and works long hours. Some days it’s fair to say that I start the countdown to bedtime before we’ve even had lunch.
Our eldest is high functioning autistic, and our other two are possibly on the spectrum as well. Our good days are what most would consider to be horrendous, and our bad days are too depressing to even repeat. My children fight. A lot. The noise levels inside my house are beyond ridiculous. They don’t talk, they yell. They’re like Mr. Noisy before he checks himself. They spend a lot of time crying, as do I. When the tears run out all that’s left is the ringing in my ears and white noise inside my head.
I had a tough childhood. Left home at 15 with nothing, and fought my way to get where I am. The first decade came with lots of boozing and drugs. I partied hard, and enjoyed it (mostly) at the time. Until I didn’t enjoy it. When I was 22 I had my first mental breakdown, and my eyes opened wide by a counsellor. She forced me to look at my childhood, full of abuse and bullying, and made me see that it wasn’t my fault. You can read more about that here if you like.
That’s the thing with adults who were bullied and abused as children. They often go into the world thinking everything was their fault somehow. It took a long time for me to realise that I was just a kid.
She also told me that I drank too much and partied too hard, but it fell on deaf ears at that point. Four years passed, and my mental state deteriorated. Then came breakdown number two and rock bottom proper. That’s when I looked the demons in the eye and started getting my shit together. Among other things back then, I learnt self-control when it came to the booze.
Less than two years after rock bottom I fell pregnant with my eldest. I was holier than thou during those nine months, and hardly drank for the year that I breastfed her. I then had two more kids in four years.
When my youngest was a newborn I embarked on my first GAPS journey, which was documented on this here blog. I stuck to it like glue and have never felt better. My energy levels were like nothing I have ever encountered, and I felt clear headed for the first time in my adult life. To sum it up: I felt well and happy, two things that do not come naturally to me.
The trouble is, when it comes to the drink, once you’ve crossed the line you’ve crossed it. I’ve been telling myself for a decade that I’m in control, and for a long time I was only drinking every now and then. Unfortunately this isn’t the case anymore. For months now I’ve been on a cycle of not drinking Monday to Wednesday, and drinking in some way Thursday to Saturday, as well as a lot of Sundays. For more months than I care to remember, at least one day of the weekend has involved being so hammered I’ve passed out. I could tell you a laundry list of things I’ve done in the last year that I’m not proud of, but what good will that do?
Bottom line: my drinking has gotten out of hand and my mental health has massively deteriorated. I need to take action to fix my broken self, so I’m no longer just swimming and surviving. So that I can thrive, and start being the in control mama that my wonderful children need me to be, which will absolutely help them to thrive too.
I’ve been eating well for a long time, and even had a halfhearted attempt at GAPS in January, but it’s just not enough. So it’s back to GAPS Intro proper for me. Step one was yesterday and so far so good. Not having any coffee was easier this time than it has been before, and I haven’t found the liquid diet of chicken stock and herb tea hard work. I am determined to succeed this time, and who knows, once I’m functioning at full capacity I might even enjoy being teetotal.
Wish me luck, and if you’re interested in following this new journey of mine, please subscribe.
Thanks for reading!